2023.12.20

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Do you ever have the feeling that you could be doing more with your career or life?

That you could be spending your time in a more impactful or intentional way?

That you could be better at enjoying the living of your life day in and day out?

Sometimes those sentiments are helpful nudges that redirect you towards making changes that lead to more fulfillment.

But if those thoughts persist and you find yourself feeling unease, angst, regret, shame, disappointed in yourself, etc. when contemplating your life/career arc to date, you might be experiencing something called existential guilt.

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What is Existential Guilt?

Existential guilt is the term for the specific feeling (whatever it feels like to you) that arises when we perceive we are failing to rise to our potential, whether in a professional achievement context or in the everyday living our life.

It’s distinct from the guilt we feel from harming others and the neurotic guilt we feel from imaginary transgressions or from being too hard on ourselves (e.g., perfectionism).

And it’s different than the modern everyday use/meaning of “guilt”. It’s closer to being “responsible”, as in owing a responsibility to ourselves.

The concept of existential guilt is rooted in existential philosophy and is clinically researched in the psychology discipline. (Here’s a nice ungated paper.)

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Expectation Versus Reality

We each formulate an ideal path for our lives: we desire to grow up, figure out who we are, have meaningful relationships, create purposeful impact, achieve our ambitions, etc. And at the end, we all want to be able to look back on our lives proudly, feeling we’ve lived life to the fullest, done our best, and have had meaningful experiences.

Sometimes we are explicit about the milestones and ambitions we have. Other times we become aware we had implicitly set them only when they don’t come to fruition. For example, turning 30 and realizing we thought we’d be married and at a certain career level by now but neither has come to pass.

Regardless, it is rare to live out a life exactly as we intend. All sorts of curve balls come our way and we must navigate uncertainty and the unexpected.

And for some, this is where existential guilt comes in.

The larger the delta between the idealized trajectory and the one that unfolds is proportionate to the existential guilt that is experienced. - William Breitbart, MD (2017)

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The Leadership Link

So, what does existential guilt have to do with leadership? Leaders are hard-wired to idealize a trajectory for their own career, a specific project they are driving, and teams they are steering. They both internally feel deeply responsible for achieving the ideal path and are in many concrete way externally accountable for it.

Perhaps one of the hardest things about leadership is deciding to change course once one has been chosen, planned, and partially executed.

And second to that is the difficulty of letting go of the feelings and thoughts of what might have been “if only I could have had more time, tried harder, etc.” and the existential guilt that comes from falling short of one’s own expectations.

Learning to recognize the feeling of existential guilt in themselves and being aware of it in others is a critical skill for modern leaders.

Burnout Proof Leaders conjectures that existential guilt might be more prevalent among former gifted children and among those with “achiever” identities. (If that resonates with you, please drop us a note.)

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What can you do about existential guilt?

Here are two suggestions to get you started.

1. Work to Expand Your Identity

Right now, you likely have the identity of someone who is disappointed they haven’t achieved an idealized plan that they didn’t even intentionally make. It’s time to shake that sh^t off. Your new identity can be as a person who both sets explicit goals and ambitions but also is unphased when life unfolds differently. You can have the identity of a person who adapts to what is and trusts they are doing the best they can, given the actual circumstances.

Here is some language you can use when your brain tries to wallow in the existential guilt feelings and stories:

Hey brain, thanks for reminding me it’s important to me to live my life fully. My identity includes both making plans and going after my dreams, as well as adjusting my goals and actions to changing circumstances.

2. Revel in Your Humanness

You’re a human. You’re perfect in your imperfection. Life is messy and that’s part of the human experience. There’s no need to be hard on yourself when things don’t go exactly to plan (or even wildly off course). So do your level-best to give yourself a break and revel in your humanness.

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